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Almost 64% of women surveyed for an English newspaper reported feeling judged, when their babies cry or when their toddler throws a tantrum in a public place. Almost a third said that breastfeeding was fraught with negative reactions from the people, while 43% said that they endured judgemental stares from strangers in relation to their parenting in public spaces.
In contrast, a video of an elderly lady approaching a young breast feeding mum in a restaurant and cutting the young mothers food into fork size pieces, while telling her what a good mother she was and that her food should not go cold, became an internet sensation. Why is an act of supporting a young parent so unusual and judging so common?
Here are some top tips for the judgemental among you… Stop Mom judging and start supporting!
- Do not tell me about other people’s babies who sleep through entire nights, waking only to feed daintily and have tiny fairy poo’s before they drift off into dreamland. This is mythical nonsense. If you persist in telling these tales, it’s likely that some projectile vomit may be directed your way courtesy of my sleepless, crying, nappy filling offspring.
- Make no nasty comments, heavy sighs or mean looks: When my baby is upset in public, I am upset in public. I am stressed and trying to cope. In this situation, how does your open confrontation, loud tutting or aggressive stares help to ease things? Don’t ask my baby if she is tired, or hungry. Don’t play Peepo with her. A stranger making weird faces will not really assist at this time. Do smile at me and let me know sympathetically that you know I am distressed and that it is going to be O.K.
- Food : Breast or bottle? Don’t criticise my food choices for me
and or my offspring. Breast or bottle, sugar or no sugar, organic or non-organic. It’s a private matter and unless I bring the subject up, it’s hidden, like the stash of Smarties you keep on the high shelf of your kitchen cupboard.
- Minor Ailments : I look after my child 24 hours a day, so I know that a rogue sharp nail has caused a tiny scratch on his face. I also am aware that the little person in my care has cradle-cap, eczema, a spot, or a bean stuck up their nose. I hear them coughing too. You pointing it out is not helpful but contributes to my gathering belief that I am indeed, a bad mother. If you are not a health professional then keep any remarks on sniffles, spots and other minor ailments to yourself. Tell us how beautiful we are!
- Don’t commiserate me on my post –baby body. Giving birth is akin to opening your mouth and regurgitating a water melon. A water melon that has been carried for nine months in my belly. Yes, I don’t look the same. Yes, I am sleep deprived and overworked and yes, I will do my exercises
and No, I do not need you commenting. Neither should you congratulate other new mothers on their flat tummies and relaxed appearance within earshot. Compliment my hair, the glow of love in my eyes (although that might be severe exhaustion) and leave the ‘losing the baby weight’ conversations where I leave the penis size ones. Let’s just not go there.
Parenting is one of the most difficult and rewarding jobs you will ever undertake. There is no magical formula for raising children and no absolutely correct way to parent. A secure warm environment where their needs are met with comfort and love is essential. Controversies arise over potty training, co sleeping and a myriad of parenting methods. It is time to acknowledge and support parents and stop the critical judging, especially in public.
To mums and dads who bear the brunt of criticism while coping with a distraught baby we advise one simple act. Make eye contact with the Judgy mcJudgys and slowly release one finger from your grasp on baby and display it proudly in their direction.